Sincerely

Dear Next-oldest Sister,

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Love, your next-youngest sister.

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Dear J-Dub,

As a general rule, I detest grocery shopping. THANK YOU for unexpectedly dropping off milk, and saving me a trip!!

Love, Your Calcium-Fortified Friend

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Dear Yonf & Mrs. H,

As an exception to the rule, impromptu late-night grocery runs with friends are delightful. Next time we'll get there in time to watch law enforcement do their thing. And I won't forget the milk. And let's call J-Dub, too.

Love, Mrs. B

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Dear Bra,

I've kept quiet about you on Facebook, not because I care much either way, but because quite frankly, you're boring. And all the clever responses have been taken.

Thanks for the support, Mrs. B ( . . . ironic)

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Dear Family,

I hereby request notice next time unexpected company arrives (particularly of the adult male variety) while I'm in the shower, preferably BEFORE I lean my towel-wrapped self out my bedroom door (which happens to be a straight shot from the living room couch) to holler at you.

Love, Grateful for the Towel

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Dear Home-Care Supply People,

Like I said, we're done with the hospital bed. Really. Remember how it's in my living room? In place of the OTHER living room couch - not to be confused with the first couch that unexpected company sits on - that is crammed into my bedroom? (What do you mean, I usually put surplus upholstered furniture on the back porch? Who told you that?)

Seriously. Come pick it up. Or I'll turn the kids loose on it.

Love, Please?

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Dear Owner of the Large Pickup Truck with Chromed Anatomical Embellishment Hanging from your Tow Hitch,

The message we're all getting is not the message you think you're sending.

From, Eyes Averted for the Two Miles I had to Follow You.

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Dear Muscles,

If I apologize for the relentless abuse you've been subjected to this week, will you let me walk normally again? I DID give you December off, after all.

Love, Ouch

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Dear Horses,

I went to a party last month, where we all threw random topics into a hat, and then had to expound on one randomly drawn topic for 2 minutes without saying "Um", "Uh", or pausing. I drew you, horses, and although I was most definitely inclined to say, "UH, UM, PAUSE. I'm outta here," (a la Brian Regan) I took the YONF and successfully discussed you for 2 minutes.

Love, Never Seen Flicka

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Dear Person who attended the same party, called your own pager and made a hasty exit right before your own turn, then came back and got harassed into taking a turn anyway, and pulled "Nuclear Physics" from the hat,

I put that one in. Sorry.

From, I Don't Know Anything About it Either